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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit the road on Calle José de Diego. You know, the one that’s always packed? Yeah, that one. I’m just tryna get to my first site, right? But nooo, traffic’s a nightmare. I’m sittin’ there, fuming, like, “C’mon, people! It’s not rush hour!”

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